Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak

I've been on top of the world lately. While some of it could be those crazy hormones :), I think a lot of it has come from reflecting on a lot of things in life -- such as what a wonderful opportunity pregnancy is to learn to relax and trust in God. When I was little (or not so little...), Mom used to tell me, "Emily, if you're not in charge, you're not happy." And it was true. But I didn't see the extent of this characteristic until I got married, and I certainly didn't see how detrimental it is to one's life - both the emotional and spiritual sides. The funny thing is, I've realized that the "happiness" that comes from being in charge and being in control is only an illusion, a lie. Because if control is the basis of your happiness, what happens when that control is threatened? We get angry, resentful, unthankful -- all of which make us categorically unhappy. And then you spend all of your energy trying to defend your control, or to regain it, instead of relaxing and enjoying what life has in store for you.

The pregnancy lessons in letting go and relaxing really began when the test came up positive. We'd heard that most people keep it quiet the first 12 weeks because of the risks of miscarriage. One of the most unsettling things about this point in pregnancy is that miscarriage is a real risk, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Even if you take good care of yourself and do all the "right" things, it's still a real risk. No matter how much you want that baby to survive, you can't control whether it does or not. So we struggled at first with whether or not to tell friends and family, but then quickly realized that we were far better off thinking positively and sharing our excitement with others, rather than living in fear for 12 long weeks. We had to let go and trust God that even if we did have a miscarriage, that in some way, God intended it for our good. Even at that early stage I realized that this letting go was a process we'd have to go through again and again throughout our lives, for there are real risks in the world and you can't protect your children from all of them. Or even some of them.

Recently we worked through some issues surrounding what I wanted for the actual birth, and once again I was faced with the fact that I wasn't trusting in God to give us the birth that we need, not the birth that we want. All of my worrying and researching wasn't going to do any good in determining the outcome, and really I needed to just let go and trust the Lord and my sweet husband to take care of me.

You know what the funny thing is? The more I let go and don't try to control my life, the happier and more thankful I am, and the more I realize that I never was truly happy being in control. Of course, Brent told me this would be the case all along, but it's one of those things that has to be experienced to be believed. And because of that, I'm all the more thankful for my husband too ~ for loving me enough to help me with what I need, not with what I want, and for having the courage to take on the challenges of marrying a recovering control freak :). I have no idea what my life would be without him and he is the greatest blessing I have ever known. I love you sweetheart!!